Faith And Fishlessness
Yesterday, after a long hike on a secret river, I came to a run, deep, bouldery, and fishy. This was my third trip to this hidden gem and I'd been skunked each trip. Gin clear water, the need for exercise, and fabled monster steelhead keep me coming back. This particular run was as far up as the Boom dog and I have ever been. My past failures ever present in my mind, I swung the run casually, no real ambition, just kinda watching the line get swept this way and that, willing it over and around the rocks. The occasionally obligatory hang up. Half way down the run, right where the fast water meets the slow I sloped out a tired, half hearted double spey and watched the fly get swept under, trail out of site. Mid swing, half a second before it straightened, three hard heart throbbing tugs and “hoot hoot”! Her scales glinted in the sun as the fish came fully out of the water. I swear, we made direct eye contact. She looked at me as if to say, " theres no way in hell you’re taking my picture". Turned her head and bombed down stream. In a split second she was a couple hundred feet down stream. I clumsily gave chase, slipping, thrashing about and trying to gain some ground. The power of her fin wins again. That fish spat my hook. Left me stunned and staring at the boom dog, asking him what happened?
Maybe I should have risked braking her off. Maybe I should have battled to keep her in the run. Honestly, I think I gave up hope that I would hook a fish. Kinda forgot I was fishing and just acted as if I where hiking and practicing casting. I missed it. I had her, she shook me, I missed it. After three decades of fishing, I should have known, I should have stopped that fish. Sometimes they just get away and there's nothing you can do. This time I think I could have managed a little better. With a little more hope, with a little more poise. I want a nice calm even tension. To live the paradox that I love. To expect but relax. A faith in fishlessness. Cast swing step, hope, believe, feel disappointed, feel gratitude, feel cold, feel wet. Love the animal but chase it and pierce it. Let it go, catch it again then let to go. Spend time money and energy, on a bush plane on a jet boat and get there and stand there and get nothing and be happy. Hike for miles, even days to find the right spot, get nothing, do it again. Check the tide charts, up at 4am, travel travel travel and when the moment comes, your mesmerized by the place. How to stay present? breath deep, in the chest and the belly. look around though thick forest in tepid water, you stand, observe yourself. Bring a friend, laugh and play.
